WILD THING
LET'S GO HUNTING
HUNTING SEASON IS OVER…PERMANENTLY
You can change your name to Hunt No More! No more heinous stuff in the woods with us ever again! We are done with your inflicting pain and termination. Go taxidermy and eat your remote control, football, or motorcycle helmet. Cause you are done, kaput, adios no amigos. Finis, and alvederzane, good-bye, and good riddance. It is OUR WOODS! STAY OUT! We will not be responsible for anything that may happen to you after this warning. The jig is up and your playtime is over.
BEWARE OF THE BEAR
“Mrs. Grin and Bear It, quick go get my taser and help me construct a trap. We’ll give those prowling hunters a taste of their own medicine. Let’s find a tv remote control, a bag of artificially buttered popcorn, and a glass of sarsaparilla root bear. Set that by the trap. Now let’s go hide in the cave. At the first sight, taser them and then just stare and breathe heavily over them with that bear breath as they are coming around; it’ll be their last trip to our home!”
OUTFOXED PLOT 1
“Hey, Foxy Loxy, what’cha doin’? Isn’t it a nice day for a stroll in the woods?” The man with a furry tailed hat says as he approaches the fox. He reaches toward the fox offering an armful of berries and fruits. Foxy Loxy is drooling, but knows there is danger connected with such generosity. Foxy Loxy better come up with a solution fast, so he says, “Hey, Mr. Hunter, I just ate a big meal, so you can enjoy all that delicious fruit yourself. Thanks anyway, but I cannot eat another bite.” Mr. Hunter, his plan now failed, tucks his furry fox tail under his hat. Leaving the fruit behind, as the trick did not pay off, drags off hoping to come up with another plan…
CONTINUED
OUTFOXED PLOT 2
Naturally, the fox goes for the mountain of luscious fruit once the coast is clear. The hunter returns later thinking maybe he can entice the fox as his stomach has had time to empty. He sees all the fruit is gone. He asks the fox about it. Smart quick witted fox tells him that he gave it to the Grin and Bear It couple and points the direction to their home. The hunter smuggly thinks, aha, I can trade a fox for a bear. I am goin’ for it. You know the rest.
DUCK OR YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED
Mom, Dad, and ducklings confidently float freely without a care in the world. Quacking for attention, they know the hunters are out in full force today and looking for them? Ah, just what the ducks bargained for…the hunters begin to shoot in their direction. The ducks DUCK under water. The buckshot ricochets in every direction, exactly what they sensed would take place. The hunter’s gun fire triggered backfire from rocks, tree bark, and brush all around. The hunters begin to howl in pain, holding their britches as they become target for their own evil behavior. The ducks are safe; before they land on a Chinese Menu, but will the hunters return? Doubtful! The buckshot was coated with gasoline from their nearby boat. Not enough water to put out that fire!
A HAREY TAIL OR A HAIRY TALE PLOT 1
Why is there a trail of cabbage leaves all through the woods? Aha, must be huntin’ season for our wonderful wabbits. What are these little defenseless woodsy critters gonna to do to protect themselves? They know they are being lured into harm with beautiful rich green cabbage leaves. They call out to their trusty and dependable wood buds for help. The wittle wabbit helpers got weawwy busy and took control. About an hour later, after the wabbits were all hiding in their holes, the hunters followed their own cabbage leaf traps while they scratched their heads in wonder.
CONTINUED
A HAREY TAIL OR A HAIRY TALE PLOT 2
As they were looking under the leaves, they all began to feel something on their legs and arms that felt stingy and they couldn’t stand still, not for a second. Lo and behold, the cabbage leaves were the domes to millions of fire ants. Would you go back next year for “wabbit huntin’ season?” Not sure with their brains, but hopefully the scars will be enough of a reminder!
FALSIFRIED PLOT 1
“Ribbit! Gotta leap to town and get some stuff at the store. Back in a hop and jump.” The frogs returned carryin’ a heavy load. The hungry hunters were due to arrive soon. The ribbiters better hurry. Hurry they did. They hid in hollow trees ribbiting to attract attention. It wasn’t long before the hunters showed up. They started stuffing critters in their bags and worked hard at pulling the legs off of them. They prepared a small campfire…
CONTINUED
FALSIFRIED PLOT 2
The ribbiters, surprisingly very quiet, turned brown in the skillet. The hunters kept turning the legs in the skillet to make sure they were fully cooked and brown all over. Removing the well done pieces, they bit into the buttered and bronzed legs. They immediately felt something coarse in their mouths. As they began to try to speak, each saw that the other’s teeth were missing and there was gummy pasty stuff stuck in their mouths.
FALSIFRIED PLOT 3
It took a bit for them to realize that they had been duped and were chomping into ceramic frogs that had superglue layered around the ceramic hips. It’s probably gonna be a bit painful and take lots of time to get their mouths repaired. May also be the last time they go hunting for a pair of frog legs. What’cha think?
THE FOREST BANDITS
Who doesn’t know raccoons are known as bandits with the black circled masked eyes? They live up to their reputation. The weekend the hunters came for game and sport, the raccoons sneaked into the tents. They emptied all the bullets from the hunter’s guns; crunching the leaves as they tiptoed back into the woods. The hunters jumped up, grabbed their guns, and started firing. Oooh, ouch, ouch, oooh. The little bandits had turned the guns around and loaded them with BB’s. Painful trip! Won’t be seeing their beady BB eyes again.
AW NUTS PLOT 1
The wood squirrels planned this for a year. They gathered and hoarded a huge percentage of walnuts and pecans that would not be needed for their food. As hunting season “rolled” around, they were prepared. They scampered through their designated paths and the hunters followed as best they could. As they neared the lake, they realized they could not put on their brakes.
CONTINUED
AW NUTS PLOT 2
They already began colliding into the walnuts and pecans and could not stop their feet from slipping and sliding as they neared the lake and couldn’t halt the momentum. At the bank of the lake were crocodiles and alligators who were given a signal to open wide and they were ready ALL SMILES. As you may know by now; some of the hunters will find their eternal home in the woods and some may just never return again. ALL IN A DAY’S WORK. HERE TODAY AND GONE TOMORROW. OH WELL; ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
MEECE MICE MOOCE PLOT 1
All the little crumbles of cheese were scattered along a pathway through the forest. The mice knew there was danger connected with all those tempting morsels. One said to the next, pst,” Here’s the plan.” They posted a sign that said Mice Moved – New Home – Cave At The End Of The Forest. The plot thickens:
READ ON
MEECE MICE MOOCE PLOT 2
The hunters rearranged the cheese bits and headed to the cave. It was black as coal; they wandered in. Moose by the dozens locked horns with the hunters stuck inside so tightly, they couldn’t move an inch Their guns were pressed so forcefully against them, no one could move arms nor limbs. Grizzlies came to take over and confiscated all of the rifles, broke them in half, and threw them into an outside raging bonfire.
MORE
MEECE MICE MOOCE PLOT 3
Then the bears, growling their woodsy breath in the hunter’s faces, picked each of them up, and took them to their cars. Opened the doors, put the hunters in their seatbelts, closed the door. Stepped back and waved goodbye. The mice were all stacked in a pyramid at the edge of the woods waving goodbye while they chomped on little wedges of cheese. There was a sign that read DRIVE SAFELY…COME BACK SOON…WE’LL BE READY FOR YOUR NEXT VISIT!
HUHHUHHUHA HUHHUHHUHA HUHUHUHUHUHUHUH PLOT 1
Banging their beaks against Beech Trees, woodpeckers were causing hunters great nuisance. The hunter’s prey disappear when they hear loud pecking sounds. The hunters take revenge on the woodpeckers to get them to stop wrecking their hunting plans. They aim their pistols at the cones on the woodpeckers’ heads. Just imagine the rest! The Woody’s got their wood buds to devise a plan to keep from being harmed by the hunters.
WATCH OUT FOR THIS ONE
HUHHUHHUHA HUHHUHHUHA HUHUHUHUHUHUHUH PLOT 2
Just as the hunters were taking aim, a large pack of wolves came tearing from the brush and each one’s teeth tore into one of the hunter’s flannel plaid hunting shirt sleeves forcing their arms to the ground. The pistols shot artillery into the dirt, causing it to explode into the hunter’s eyes…
MORE
HUHHUHHUHA HUHHUHHUHA HUHUHUHUHUHUHUH PLOT 3
Coyotes voraciously came bounding to the scene, whipping the pistols away from the attempted pecker killers, dashing off and vanishing to wherever it was they originated. Whew! Scary and exhausting and soooooooo fast!!! What a Coo for Critters! The wolves had to lead the hunters back to their cars; their eyes still filled with splattered dirt…
MORE
HUHHUHHUHA HUHHUHHUHA HUHUHUHUHUHUHUH PLOT 4
The chipmunks already hotwired the ignitions; the wolves threw the hunters bottoms onto the seats; the engines already revved and the chipmunks pressed the accelerators and off they zoomed. The critters did get to copy the license tag numbers and as they heard the hunters call the others by name, they were able to connect each name with each tag. There was Stupid, Idiot, Fool, Dumbbell, Nutcase, Brainless, Moron, Dingbat, Headless, and Beanbrain.
BBBBBBB BUTT PLOT 1
What is it about badgers that rouses the attention of the macho hunter? Who knows what they are thinking…that could also be a puzzle…think? What is that? Anyway, the badgers are targeted this weekend, so somebody better get to the deterrent drawing board and come up with a doozy. HANG IN HERE…STILL FIGURING IT OUT
BBBBBBB BUTT PLOT 2
“Hey, buddy, wood bison; you available to help us out? The hunters think we are target practice for them this weekend. You know what that means. Any ideas?”
“Don’t you worry, we got you covered coming and going. You just go enjoy your day and live it the way you would any other. We got big news for them!”
BBBBBBB BUTT PLOT 3
As soon as the hunters caught eye of the badgers and got their aim, the bison began their stampede and the hunters lost view of their prey, trying to figure out how to overcome this dilemma. Just at that time, a slew of wild boars with long tusks showed up bucking their guns out of their hands slinging them out of view. Then the boars and bison slung the hunters close to the nearby water where the beavers had built their dams.
BBBBBBB BUTT PLOT 4
The beavers had to protect their structures, so a swarm of butterflies came flying through causing the hunters to swat and lose their balance and they went rolling down the embankment into gullies filled with raging water that sent them all the way back to the parking lot. Whereby all the Badgers, Bison, Boars, Beavers, and Butterflies all belted out a BBBBBBYE BBBBBBBYE while they turned around waving their b_ _ _ s behind them. Nice farewell; don’t you think?
NO FRET…IT’S IN THE NET PLOT 1
Minks may be small critters, but like all weasels, they got big brains. They sure figured out a way to trap the devil’s troops, the wild animal thieves and destroyers. Guess what they got. One early morning as the sun was just coming up over the horizon, all the woodsy weasels were hiding up in the trees. Minks can hold some interesting stuff in their teeth and this was no exception.
CONTINUED
NO FRET…IT’S IN THE NET PLOT 2
The bears were all ready hiding quietly behind trees. We had sent out a few decoys. The hunters smell of game brought them runnin’ with their killer noisemakers. They quickly found themselves glued to the ground. A thick, tremendously heavy net was dumped on them from the tree tops above, timed perfectly. Their evil attempts ruined! Our fams and friends saved! We were now all set to end the nightmare.
FOLLOW UP
NO FRET…IT’S IN THE NET PLOT 3
They showed up with a team of muscular bears. They balled up all the netting with the devil and his troop stuffed inside. Then dragged them to the outer edge of the forest. For all we know, they could still be in knots, blowing hot air on each other. A NET’S THE BEST BET WHEN A WEASEL FRETS. DID THE JOB FOR US!
ALL IN A NIGHT’S WORK PLOT #1
The campsite is hushed and quiet for the night. Everyone is batten down. The hunters are snoring pretty loudly. All that can be heard is the quiet hooting of the owls. Rifles and bullets all tucked in for the night. Perfect time for the lynxes and possums to do their stuff.
CONTINUED
ALL IN A NIGHT’S WORK PLOT #2
The lynxes night eyes and lit up vision are perfect for spotting the enemy’s gear. They silently scoop up the guns and ammo and carry them off into the woods, while the possums pretend to “play possum” giving the impression they are sleeping at the campsite alongside the hunters. The possum snore more loudly than the men, awakening a couple of them to see that their prey is right there to be had on the spot. Reaching for their weapons, they find they are “naked”… no weapon!
WHAT NOW?
ALL IN A NIGHT’S WORK PLOT #3
Leaping over the hunters bodies, heads, and sleeping bags, the possums dance around waiting to be chased out of the campsite until the hunters are equipped once again to do their damage. Left without their “murder weapons,” the hunters figure, why waste the night and go back to sleep. So the possums leave without having finished the plan…
MORE?
ALL IN A NIGHT’S WORK PLOT #4
What to do? The hunters robbed of their great pleasure may as well leave. They will return when re equipped. The wood’s creatures aren’t through with them yet. They gotta be taught a lesson. All the wood’s animals team up and meet at the hunter’s cars. The bears shoot the tires out. Smash the windows with the butts of the guns. Break the rifles in half and jam them into the steering wheels to lock them where they can’t move. Pull the wiring out of the radios and lighters.
WHAT’S LEFT?
ALL IN A NIGHT’S WORK PLOT 5
The deer got together and filled the floorboards with tons of corn; if anyone opens a door, an avalanche will come pouring out. The trunk lids were popped open to reveal all kinds of traps, bows, arrows, and other hunting arsenal. These macho brave hunters are sissy wimps without their weapons. A little gunpowder and matches oughtta put an end to that stuff just fine. LASTLY…
ALL IN A NIGHT’S WORK PLOT 6
The lesson is: Hunting can cost a hunter BIG BUCKS. That’s the least of it. If they are lucky, they will still have their lives; even though they have taken the lives of zillions of innocent creatures who never wandered into the hunter’s holy home spaces. THE END. HAPPILY EVER AFTER FOR SOME AND NOT FOR OTHERS.